stay tuned

I'd like to announce the return of a great blog! You all should be very excited :D
The Cheesy Experiment!

For those who may remember, I had started a blog about cheese and different things that you can do with it. Well, I haven't written in it in awhile and was inspired again on a recent trip to Trader Joes.

So, over the next couple of weeks I'll be adding the blog to my side panel for you all to check out!

Stay tuned :)

let it go.

Every ounce of energy I spent on trying to control things and make things go just the way I want, I could probably run a hundred marathons.

For every plan I make that doesn't go just as I planned. For every piece of perfection I feel my life and home have to be. And, for every person who I have probably driven crazy just listening to it all, I could go around the earth twice I'm sure. 

Let it Go

Surrender all I cannot not control

Stand back when I want to fight

Control that in which I know I the power

Let it Go

The frustration of other's actions

Know it may be beyond my understanding

Reliquish ownership to others

Let it Go

Know that I will still have a say in my concerns

Trust in who I know will help me

Feel love and support in those who care

I will Let it Go

<3 and Peace to you all! 

myself

A few years ago, I met a pretty amazing person. Her name was Kathy. She is a therapist who I went to see while I was going through a rough time in my life. Her biggest thing while assisting me in helping myself was telling me to breathe and just let things go. Just let them go and not stress about the things that you don't owe and that will drag you down.

I was successful in learning how to control my anxiety and get my breathing under control when I felt things start to rise. I was so proud and thought "wow, if I can do this, I can do anything!" I vowed never to allow myself to get like that again.

Although, the cause of this control and anxiety is so entirely different than the last, I have found myself in a very similar situation to where I was just only a few years ago.

I would love to say I could pick up the phone and call Kathy. I know she would be there for me and help me in all the ways she did in the past. But, you see, I don't think that will help. Because, how I'm feeling now is all built around things that I need to sort out. Things that I know have only just built up into a mountain that only I can bring back down again.

Basically, I have allowed myself to become victim to being overwhelmed with all the changes that have happened over the past 2 years and only now am allowing everything to come to the surface.

I think I have figured out the source of my "health" problems. It all stems from the multitude of changes that have been occurring and accruing since last Sept/Oct. Where was I at this time? Well...lets "recap"

October:
Shane and I were supposed to go up to MA and visit my family. My grandfather was sick and things weren't looking very well. Two nights before we were to leave I got extremely sick and was diagnosed the next day with bronchitis and recommendations not to go from my Dr.

November:
I finally was able to go to MA

When I returned from MA, I went to an endodontist to have a root canal done. He did a really, REALLY bad job. The endodontist did not finish his job and left me with a partially done root canal over the week of Thanksgiving. Once he returned to his office after the holiday, they informed me they didn't take my insurance. I had to then find a new Dentist who did take my insurance on top of going through the whole referral crap because it's an HMO insurance. At this point, didn't look like I was getting this partially done root canal fixed for quite some time.

Let's fast forward to...

...January:
I was able to get my tooth looked at by another dentist. I had to have that dentist refer me to another root canal specialist. At this point he said the tooth wasn't able to be saved and I needed to have it extracted.

I left Maxim and started my new job at Saint Agnes Hospital. I was really happy to be leaving Maxim and happy to be in a hospital setting. I had a lot of things promised to me and about 5 projects handed to me to start out!

I moved in with Shane and Grayson. I'm pretty sure this was probably one of the biggest adjustments yet. I went from living a single, independent life in my own apartment. To sharing a 2 bedroom condo with just one common area of living with a guy and a 7 year old. I have never shared a room with anyone nor have I ever lived with kid. It's very different and a lot of adjustment. I'm so super happy that I made this choice though and am so blessed to have them both in my life!

February:
By mid-Feb, all 5 jobs my boss had assigned me were either put on hold or canceled. She back filled my days with having me create a training manual for an application I had never used.

I had the tooth the root canal specialist told me I couldn't save, removed.

March:
Went to my primary care because of dizziness and it wasn't due to the anemia they diagnosed me with. Go see a neurologists.

April:
Got in to see a neurologists who said that my dizziness was caused by migraines I didn't have, but take Gabbapentin, symptoms will go away.

Present Day:
I get daily migraines, that didn't come about until I took the medicine.

I spend my days at work asking my co-workers if they need help with anything and hoping that something comes up. My only blessing these past 3 days has been the system basically crashing and giving me something I'm knowledgeable in doing: trouble shooting. I'm not a technical writer thank you, so stop giving me training manuals to write!

So, I don't have anything neurological going on. My MRI came back clean. I don't suffer from migraines (except the ones medicine driven) and I also don't have anything going on with my inner ear. I've been to my primary care, neurologists, eye Dr's and ENT. I have spoken with all these people...and there is real no definite answer as to what is wrong. except for the one I think I have: stress and anxiety of change.

My treatment?

Wine, lots and lots of wine! :D just kidding

• I am going to wean myself off the Gabbapentin
• Join a gym
• Getting a massage next Wednesday and a cranial massage :D
• Going to find myself a therapist to chat with as an outlet and someone objective
• Get involved in somethings that I like; photography class or something :D

I hope you all understand one thing: I am happy! I have had a lot going on and this post is pretty deep in all those aspects. Some may seem like I'm fed up and that I'm not happy. But, when it all comes down to it, I'm a happy person. Is every one's life perfect and happy-go-lucky all the time? No. And does everyone feel good about things and how their life turned out every second? No. Are there times when you make decisions and think "was that the right one". Yes, all the time I'm sure!

The difference is, is that I moved away to a place for a job. I stayed here and worked that job. I guess always subconsciously thinking I would return to MA when I left it. Well, I met and fell in love with a great guy. Who, will never be able to leave MD because of Grayson. I guess in a way, when I left Maxim, I mourned the fact that I wasn't leaving to return to MA.

I have made so many decisions in my life. Some I didn't think I would ever make. But, as much as I love and miss my family and friends in MA every day...I am not sorry I made decision to move and stay in Maryland.

It just means that I need to learn how to live here and maintain my relationships with everyone in MA without worrying or stressing out about anything. It means that I go to work, just like everyone else and deal with every day stressers. I means that no matter what, I have people who love and support me and that is God's greatest gift to me!

So, with that, I will remember by friend Kathy and know that she would say in this very situation "Breathe and let all that you can't control go away and away from you"

Love and peace to all of you!